3-5!

A week from today I will be 35...Half way to 40! Most likely, half of my life!!! Just thinking about this has made me more melancholy than normal.

One of the reasons, I decided to blog, was to share about my life and my feelings.  I seem to do this better through written words than verbally.  I am an introvert -- an ISTJ according to Meyer-Briggs.  To understand me, I have attached an ISTJ profile.  One thing that is profound to me about me, is "ISTJs are likely to be uncomfortable expressing affection and emotion to others."  This is me 100%.  I am trying to express more about how I feel through this blog.  But please don't try to hug me, I still need to work on that! :)

But every year at my birthday, I become super-introspective.  As this quote says,
"Under stress, ISTJs may fall into "catastrophe mode", where they see nothing but all of the possibilities of what could go wrong. They will berate themselves for things which they should have done differently, or duties which they failed to perform. They will lose their ability to see things calmly and reasonably, and will depress themselves with their visions of doom."  So this is where I am today--- full blown catastrophe mode and full of visions of doom!!!

I am disappointed in myself.  I wish I could re-do the last 10 years of my life.  I am super-happy I married Tim, 16 years ago.  He is truly a phenomenal husband, and we are sincerely meant for each other.  I love my kids, with all my heart.  I do wish I was more loving with my children, than just fulfilling the duties of a mother.  Christian is 13 now, and I realize our time with him at home is quickly coming to an end.  I just wish I could have been a better mother to all 3 of my children.  A single day does not go by, where I do not have regret in my parenting skills.

I wish I was not working full-time.  But in the same breath, if I had planned on working full-time, I wish I was more qualified and had a better job.  I enjoy what I do, but I could have been a lot more than what I am.  I just didn't know, I would end up working instead of staying home full-time. 

There are a couple other things, I wish I could have changed. I just really wish I could redo the last few years, and have a fresh start.  But I guess, it doesn't work that way.  I am just going to try change the future, and pray I will stop dwelling on the past.  But that doesn't happen easily for me!  But if an ISTJ, is super capable of achieving goals, than I am going to try!!!

Oh, 35.....